Angsty Penguin

There's a dream: We met on the platform on a cold afternoon where you took me down to your lake. We slept in your bed that night and in the morning you dried my hair so I wouldn't catch a cold. You fed me and clothed me like a Tunisian refugee, and the world all went out except for you. Then we were staring
at each other across the airport rope, and now I'm awake and I can't stop breathing

sad

It's been a rough couple of weeks.  Definitely more sad days than happy days.  I've come to the realization that my friends aren't who I thought they were.
I have a bad habit of making excuses for people.  But it's time now to face the music.
I truly do not believe that my opinions matter in my house at school.  No one listens to me, no one includes in conversations - nonetheless starts up a conversation with me, no one looks me in the eyes in a group conversation.  I am nothing.
And I am sad.

home sweet united crushers

So I was right.  My last post I was extremely moody.

A perfect picture to describe my roommates and myself

I wrote that last sentence like four hours ago and I already want to change it.  Funny how moods can be altered so fast.

I moved into my new house a few days ago.  No where close to being unpacked.  I had a dream that my clothes attacked me, I am living my worst nightmare.  Almost.

I live in a house, with my only neighbors being the truck yards, and, of course, the big abandoned mill.  It's very interesting, living with three of my best friends.  I don't think I would recommend it to anyone quite yet.  It's weird, but I know it's going to turn us against each other eventually, we can't remain civil for long.  But so far, I am content.

I wish I could read minds, however.  I am pretty good with feelings.  I have this one friend, who surprises me on the daily.  I can't say I don't like it, because I really do, but for some reason today's surprise just .. set me off.  We'll see how this turns out too.

I'm being extremely vague.  I apologize.  Maybe later I'll explain.

YOLO

I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. But for a short time after you do something stupid you don't know if you're going to regret it or not. Like that time I was in soccer as a kid and I threw my water bottle in the air as high as I could, just for fun, and then immediately realized it might change course and pelt one of the elderly spectators nearby. It didn't. So I didn't have to regret my decision, but that fear made me realize I shouldn't throw my water bottles that high any more, which made me slightly less stupid.

Let's just say that over the past few days, and even the past few months, I've learned quite a lot from all the stupid things I've done. Only, at this age, the stupid things tend to be more serious. For now, the water bottle is just hanging in midair.

what

You know, maybe it's because I am on my period, or maybe it's because my life actually sucks, but I just hate everyone and everything right now.  I feel so DAMN UGLY and slopping and chubby and BLEEDING FROM MY LADY PARTS.  Well, okay, one lady part.  I am not bleeding from my girls that sit upon my chest, don't worry, no need to get the hospital involved.

Okay, I know that in about every other blog post I talk about how much I dislike something, usually myself, and then the next blog I retract what I said.  Well.  Here we go again.  I was talking to my mom yesterday, and bless her heart, I know she means well - but we were discussing how proud she is of me, and how jealous she is of women who are like me.  Women who are confident enough to be happy with who they are without a man.  And then it hit me.  I don't have a boyfriend, and I haven't had one in two years now.  I haven't even had a date.  Sure, I've been kissed by, maybe 3 different guys since then.  But that's really it.  I don't get texts from boys, I don't get attention, I don't get hugs.  No piggy back rides, no pokes to the sides, no teasing.  There is no guy who wants to grab my hand, the right way mind you, and on a cool night - don't touch me if it's hot outside, I don't want to feel your sticky body against mine, even if it is just your hand.  I get looked over.  No matter who I am with, the attention is never on me.  Even when it comes to conversations.  I AM A GREAT CONVERSATIONALIST.  I LOVE LISTENING TO PEOPLE.  But still, no one ever pays attention to the sad, ugly looking girl with glasses.  The only attention I get from guys is when they are texting me, asking me about advice on getting with my friends.  And I am so sick and tired of that.  Don't text me because you want to talk to me, text me so you can have sex with my friend.  FUCK YOU.  And fuck your morals.  You don't know me, you don't even want to know me, so how can you have the audacity to ask me for advice on my friends.

But that's a funny joke, because lately, I have felt so lost and friendless.  I know, I know, I have friends.  But they don't seem to be acting like my friends lately.  I just get so emotional, and I deal with them by not dealing with them, and then eventually they just get all bottled up and explode at one time.  Doesn't matter where I am or who I am with, they just come out.  I wish I could travel back to my junior year of high school.  I miss those friends, I miss those days.  I miss feeling comfortable in my own body, I miss not having to worry about whether or not my friends are going to piss me off or not.  I miss having a boyfriend (don't take this as I miss the boyfriend, I just miss having one), I miss having guy friends who like me for me, I miss having true girl friends.  Ones who aren't complicated and actually want to hang out with me.

Speaking of that.  I miss my friend Rina.  I don't know if she reads these, and sometimes I want her to, others not.  But she's been gone for so long and I only got to see her for a few hours a couple days ago.  I really miss her.  I miss our friendship.

I guess today, or rather this week, is just a mopey week.  I feel really sorry for myself.  But of course I don't want other to pity me.  I just need a place to write this all out.  I have a journal, but my hands get sore when I write too much.  So here I am, pouring my heart out into this stupid blog post.  Because if I ever told anyone, or attempted to tell anyone this, they just wouldn't understand.  They would judge me and tell me I am way too emotional.  Which, maybe I am, but that's who I am and I can't control it.  I guess I just need a break from everything.  Maybe I'll go to sleep until Connor comes home.

family road trips

I have been on the road for 120 hours and I am going insane. Although, it has made me realize a few things.

I need to stop relying on my friends to have a good time.

And I need new friends.

I have this app called SnapChat, where your friends can send you quick pictures of what they are up to. And this whole road trip I have been receiving pictures of my friends having a blast, while I am stuck in a small chair in a moving old van.

Only 32 more hours to go.

But they have not texted me at all this whole trip to see if I'm having a good time. So, like I said. This trip has made it pretty obvious that they really only care about themselves ... and not me. Conclusion: find new friends.

But of course, I'm not very good at that. But I am good at running away from my problems.

So California, here I come.

I'm going to tell a story about the first day of this road trip to the Grand Canyon. So sit back and enjoy the ride.
We left my grandpa's house at 3 in the afternoon on Sunday in the rain, glad to leave at that point, to be honest. We drove about 3 hours and then, lucky me, it was my turn to drive they white '94 GMC van. This van is one of those van's that when you see it coming down the road, you think, "Oh shit, how is that still running?" Yes, it's those kind of vans. The kind with a seat that lays down into a bed, and has a TV with a built in VCR in the back. Has a ladder on the back door. Why? No fucking idea. Not like you can sit on the bubbled roof. It's a real piece of work. So come 6 o'clock I take the wheel and I drive for about an hour in the middle of nowhere, a scene that looks like it is taken from the movie Children of the Corn, when I notice that I'm losing speed. I start to panic and wake up the family. After they startle awake, my grandpa tries to shift it in neutral while my dad is attempting to rev the engine, all the while I'm singing "Jesus Take the Wheel." I pull over the side, the van about to explode from the rumble strips on the road, and we sit there in silence for a good 2 and a half minutes - but it seemed like 20. We all stared at each other and finally my younger sister, Emily, says, "Uh, well now what?" and we all start to laugh. My grandpa pulls out his AAA card and calls for a tow truck. But of course, it's 7 at night on a Sunday, what repair shop would be open? After being put on hold for a good 45 minutes they tell us that they can get a tow truck to us in an hour and all they are able to do is tow us to a gas station. We sit in the old van for a half an hour, as each car passes the car shakes viciously, and I keep hearing children yell, "Take 'em to Malichi!" ... Joy. Finally the tow truck pulls up and we all pile out of the car and head up to the truck. Three small seats in his cab. One driver. Four family members. Another joy. We get to the gas station after an uncomfortable trip there, sitting on my 75 year old grandfather's lap. Fill the car up. And what do you know, it starts. The tow truck guy says it's probably a malfunctioning gas gauge. So off we go. About 10 hours later BOOM, it happens again while my sister is driving.  So I am not even joking you, from the middle of Nebraska we coasted all the way to Denver, Colorado.  COASTED.  Every time you stepped on the brake, the car would shut off, so we would have to flip it to neutral, rev the engine and hope for the best.  It was a great road trip.  Lesson learned, never take a '94 van across the country.

I miss Connor. And Loreena. And my mom.

32 more hours.

Man of Steel

I miss home. Why is space so big? If I didn't move this wouldn't happen.

Last week I told Molly how much of an asshole I am when it comes to guys. I thought I liked trying new things so much that whenever I got intimate with a guy I got bored and felt like I had to leave them. Like an asshole. Actually, I was convinced that I wasn't able to become attached to someone even. It's hard for me to imagine feeling that comfortable.

Then of course when I'm least expecting it I find the only one who's ever made me want to stay, but he has to go. See you later, Superman.