Just in one of those moods again. The self pity ones. For some reason I feel like I write best when I am upset at something. And I'm usually upset with myself.
So here we go. I feel like I am a disposable friend. For some reason this has been on my mind for about a good couple of months. I feel like I am any typical white girl who could be replaced in an instance. I'm not sassy, I'm not a lesbian, I don't have a drug dealer, I'm not drop dead gorgeous, nothing about me stands out in a crowd. So I fear that if I upset one of my friends they could throw me out and find a new friend. Which, mind you, has happened before - I'm not just speaking out of pure anxiety. Where'd all my true friends go?
I keep a checklist going of things I want to talk about in my blogs, and one of them is "racist gays" ... not sure where I was going with that one. I also put "true friends" down twice, obviously still upset with being the disposable, ugly friend. On the plus side, I might try contacts in two weeks. Still hoping it's going to magically make me beautiful. HA.
I went to a party the other weekend and I had another panic attack. This time it was triggered because someone called me ugly. I can't get the feeling to shake from that moment. My friend was dragging me around asking everyone if I was cute and no one was answering. I tried to break free of his grip, but he kept going. It was probably only going on for 4 minutes top, but it felt like hours. Then when he asked these drag queens, that were attending the party, they straight up said, "no." HA, oh Molly. Thinking you might actually have a shot in life. Good one.
On a happier note, my public speaking teacher thinks I'm amazing at public speaking. Which is a shock, because before I went into that class I hated everything that had to do with public speaking. And now I actually kind of enjoy it. I like inspiring people with my stories. My teacher told me she wishes she could video tape me speaking. I don't know, makes me feel good to be actually decent at something.
And I'm going to end on that. Enough self-loathing.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
deserted buildings
I never listen to signs. There have been so many that the world has given me regarding many things - but I never listen to them. I need help. It's a serious problem. But I don't want to go into serious stuff right now, I'm procrastinating three papers that are due in 24 hours. YAY. Anyways.
What the actual fuck. I just spent a good ten minutes looking up this BEAUTIFUL THING called slash fiction or shipping. I'm a little disturbed with myself though, not going to lie. It's where they take two characters of a show/book/comic and .. make them together. Let me shower you with examples.
THIS IS A THING. okay. The first one is Harry and Draco. WHAT. The second is Edward and Jacob. WHAT. and the third is Ian and Anthony (...they are both so beautiful. from a youtube channel called Smosh. been in love with them since the ninth grade). WHAT.
Also, not going to lie. I searched for a good 20 minutes trying to find Jack and Finn Harries shipping. But sadly, no one is as messed up as me. If you don't know who the Harries twins are, you are missing out. They have a youtube channel, but they aren't funny, or smart, or really talented - they are just beautiful. And that is the only reason why they are famous, because they are beautiful and have a British accent. Honestly, that is it. Just google them. You will see the beauty. No, you know what. Just click here. Their youtube channel is called Jacksgap, if you are interested. ENJOY THE BEAUTY.
I have a few things that I need to discuss.
Um. Summer. So I have a list of things I want for this summer.
Connor.
He's number one on this list.
Then a trip to California. With Connor. I want to go to the ocean and see attractive men, sun bathe, ENJOY LIFE, the usual. I also want to try contacts. EH GASP. To be honest, I didn't want contacts in middle school because I was afraid of touching my eyeball (I mean, I still kind of am, but I am hoping once faced with the situation of needing to touch it, I can man up and do it) but now, I am more afraid of the unknown. Let me explain. I know I am decent looking with glasses - not attractive, but not burning-your-eyes-with-my-ugliness. BUT, I have never seen myself without my glasses. I have no idea. NONE. So there is a SLIGHT possibility I could be more attractive without them, but that is a two way street and I could also be less attractive with them. AND I DON'T WANT THAT. I need that small sliver in my head that I could be more attractive. I hang on to that every day to get through. But, I think I am going to try it. Because I don't have a bangin' body, so I have that to fix if the contacts thing goes to shit.
Also, I have noticed that I have a type. I didn't think I had one, just attractive. But I realized I do, it's confidence. I can tell by the way they walk, they hold themselves, the way their eyebrows are set, everything. They have to elude confidence. Don't know why I like that, just do.
LAST DAMN THING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT (sorry for all the swearing, by the way. I'm just slightly upset with myself that it is 10 o'clock and I have about 9 pages of papers to write and I haven't done ANYTHING. they are due tomorrow night. I am so dumb). So here it goes. I had never realized that even the best of us get hurt. Honestly. Just let that sink in. That statement - EVEN THE BEST OF US GET HURT SOMETIMES. Will Smith probably has a down day once and a while. Will Smith. So the other day when Connor told me he was upset over some boy, it hit me like .. well, like brick that was chucked at my face and I made no notion to duck or get out of its way. I was in complete shock that he was upset over some guy. SOME GUY. That is my job. I am the ugly, untalented, less smart friend in this friendship, not Connor. I never even thought to think (...what) that super successful people, like Connor, could get bummed out over the most trivial things. Just makes me ponder the fact that we are all human. We all have our good days and our bad days. We all get bummed out over boys, girls, giraffes, whatever your deal is. We all do embarrassing things, have our ticks, say dumb shit. And we all are human.
What the actual fuck. I just spent a good ten minutes looking up this BEAUTIFUL THING called slash fiction or shipping. I'm a little disturbed with myself though, not going to lie. It's where they take two characters of a show/book/comic and .. make them together. Let me shower you with examples.
THIS IS A THING. okay. The first one is Harry and Draco. WHAT. The second is Edward and Jacob. WHAT. and the third is Ian and Anthony (...they are both so beautiful. from a youtube channel called Smosh. been in love with them since the ninth grade). WHAT.
Also, not going to lie. I searched for a good 20 minutes trying to find Jack and Finn Harries shipping. But sadly, no one is as messed up as me. If you don't know who the Harries twins are, you are missing out. They have a youtube channel, but they aren't funny, or smart, or really talented - they are just beautiful. And that is the only reason why they are famous, because they are beautiful and have a British accent. Honestly, that is it. Just google them. You will see the beauty. No, you know what. Just click here. Their youtube channel is called Jacksgap, if you are interested. ENJOY THE BEAUTY.
I have a few things that I need to discuss.
Um. Summer. So I have a list of things I want for this summer.
Connor.
He's number one on this list.
Then a trip to California. With Connor. I want to go to the ocean and see attractive men, sun bathe, ENJOY LIFE, the usual. I also want to try contacts. EH GASP. To be honest, I didn't want contacts in middle school because I was afraid of touching my eyeball (I mean, I still kind of am, but I am hoping once faced with the situation of needing to touch it, I can man up and do it) but now, I am more afraid of the unknown. Let me explain. I know I am decent looking with glasses - not attractive, but not burning-your-eyes-with-my-ugliness. BUT, I have never seen myself without my glasses. I have no idea. NONE. So there is a SLIGHT possibility I could be more attractive without them, but that is a two way street and I could also be less attractive with them. AND I DON'T WANT THAT. I need that small sliver in my head that I could be more attractive. I hang on to that every day to get through. But, I think I am going to try it. Because I don't have a bangin' body, so I have that to fix if the contacts thing goes to shit.
Also, I have noticed that I have a type. I didn't think I had one, just attractive. But I realized I do, it's confidence. I can tell by the way they walk, they hold themselves, the way their eyebrows are set, everything. They have to elude confidence. Don't know why I like that, just do.
LAST DAMN THING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT (sorry for all the swearing, by the way. I'm just slightly upset with myself that it is 10 o'clock and I have about 9 pages of papers to write and I haven't done ANYTHING. they are due tomorrow night. I am so dumb). So here it goes. I had never realized that even the best of us get hurt. Honestly. Just let that sink in. That statement - EVEN THE BEST OF US GET HURT SOMETIMES. Will Smith probably has a down day once and a while. Will Smith. So the other day when Connor told me he was upset over some boy, it hit me like .. well, like brick that was chucked at my face and I made no notion to duck or get out of its way. I was in complete shock that he was upset over some guy. SOME GUY. That is my job. I am the ugly, untalented, less smart friend in this friendship, not Connor. I never even thought to think (...what) that super successful people, like Connor, could get bummed out over the most trivial things. Just makes me ponder the fact that we are all human. We all have our good days and our bad days. We all get bummed out over boys, girls, giraffes, whatever your deal is. We all do embarrassing things, have our ticks, say dumb shit. And we all are human.
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