spirographs

Just in one of those moods again. The self pity ones. For some reason I feel like I write best when I am upset at something. And I'm usually upset with myself.

So here we go. I feel like I am a disposable friend. For some reason this has been on my mind for about a good couple of months. I feel like I am any typical white girl who could be replaced in an instance. I'm not sassy, I'm not a lesbian, I don't have a drug dealer, I'm not drop dead gorgeous, nothing about me stands out in a crowd. So I fear that if I upset one of my friends they could throw me out and find a new friend. Which, mind you, has happened before - I'm not just speaking out of pure anxiety. Where'd all my true friends go?

I keep a checklist going of things I want to talk about in my blogs, and one of them is "racist gays" ... not sure where I was going with that one. I also put "true friends" down twice, obviously still upset with being the disposable, ugly friend. On the plus side, I might try contacts in two weeks. Still hoping it's going to magically make me beautiful. HA.

I went to a party the other weekend and I had another panic attack. This time it was triggered because someone called me ugly. I can't get the feeling to shake from that moment. My friend was dragging me around asking everyone if I was cute and no one was answering. I tried to break free of his grip, but he kept going. It was probably only going on for 4 minutes top, but it felt like hours. Then when he asked these drag queens, that were attending the party, they straight up said, "no." HA, oh Molly. Thinking you might actually have a shot in life. Good one.

On a happier note, my public speaking teacher thinks I'm amazing at public speaking. Which is a shock, because before I went into that class I hated everything that had to do with public speaking. And now I actually kind of enjoy it. I like inspiring people with my stories. My teacher told me she wishes she could video tape me speaking. I don't know, makes me feel good to be actually decent at something.

And I'm going to end on that. Enough self-loathing.