what

You know, maybe it's because I am on my period, or maybe it's because my life actually sucks, but I just hate everyone and everything right now.  I feel so DAMN UGLY and slopping and chubby and BLEEDING FROM MY LADY PARTS.  Well, okay, one lady part.  I am not bleeding from my girls that sit upon my chest, don't worry, no need to get the hospital involved.

Okay, I know that in about every other blog post I talk about how much I dislike something, usually myself, and then the next blog I retract what I said.  Well.  Here we go again.  I was talking to my mom yesterday, and bless her heart, I know she means well - but we were discussing how proud she is of me, and how jealous she is of women who are like me.  Women who are confident enough to be happy with who they are without a man.  And then it hit me.  I don't have a boyfriend, and I haven't had one in two years now.  I haven't even had a date.  Sure, I've been kissed by, maybe 3 different guys since then.  But that's really it.  I don't get texts from boys, I don't get attention, I don't get hugs.  No piggy back rides, no pokes to the sides, no teasing.  There is no guy who wants to grab my hand, the right way mind you, and on a cool night - don't touch me if it's hot outside, I don't want to feel your sticky body against mine, even if it is just your hand.  I get looked over.  No matter who I am with, the attention is never on me.  Even when it comes to conversations.  I AM A GREAT CONVERSATIONALIST.  I LOVE LISTENING TO PEOPLE.  But still, no one ever pays attention to the sad, ugly looking girl with glasses.  The only attention I get from guys is when they are texting me, asking me about advice on getting with my friends.  And I am so sick and tired of that.  Don't text me because you want to talk to me, text me so you can have sex with my friend.  FUCK YOU.  And fuck your morals.  You don't know me, you don't even want to know me, so how can you have the audacity to ask me for advice on my friends.

But that's a funny joke, because lately, I have felt so lost and friendless.  I know, I know, I have friends.  But they don't seem to be acting like my friends lately.  I just get so emotional, and I deal with them by not dealing with them, and then eventually they just get all bottled up and explode at one time.  Doesn't matter where I am or who I am with, they just come out.  I wish I could travel back to my junior year of high school.  I miss those friends, I miss those days.  I miss feeling comfortable in my own body, I miss not having to worry about whether or not my friends are going to piss me off or not.  I miss having a boyfriend (don't take this as I miss the boyfriend, I just miss having one), I miss having guy friends who like me for me, I miss having true girl friends.  Ones who aren't complicated and actually want to hang out with me.

Speaking of that.  I miss my friend Rina.  I don't know if she reads these, and sometimes I want her to, others not.  But she's been gone for so long and I only got to see her for a few hours a couple days ago.  I really miss her.  I miss our friendship.

I guess today, or rather this week, is just a mopey week.  I feel really sorry for myself.  But of course I don't want other to pity me.  I just need a place to write this all out.  I have a journal, but my hands get sore when I write too much.  So here I am, pouring my heart out into this stupid blog post.  Because if I ever told anyone, or attempted to tell anyone this, they just wouldn't understand.  They would judge me and tell me I am way too emotional.  Which, maybe I am, but that's who I am and I can't control it.  I guess I just need a break from everything.  Maybe I'll go to sleep until Connor comes home.